been down this road before

Really, can I complain?  I have very few flares.  Some people with Crohn’s Disease live in pain like this daily.

It’s been a long time however since I’ve felt this run down.  About 4 (wow, 4??) years.  Okay 3 1/2.  I can’t actually pick one worst thing about this.  The pain?  The nausea caused by the pain?  The inability to move without causing a wave of pain?  Depending so heavily on people?  Feeling just fine one minute only to be replaced by indescribable pain just seconds later?

Depending on people is hard.  And I think it’s because this stupid disease is so invisible.  You can tell people you’re in pain.  You can try to explain that your intestines feel like a soggy washcloth that someone is wringing through their hands.  You can attempt to say that the stabbing pain makes you feel like a colostomy bag might be a good idea.  You can try.  And people can be sympathetic and loving and helpful but the longer the pain lasts, the more moments of “hey, I might feel okay, oh wait, no I really don’t”, the less apt they are…not to believe necessarily…but when it’s something they can’t see or can’t experience…

I don’t know. I know I’d like to perform my own bowel resection right now…with a rusty spoon.  I don’t have any anti-nausea meds.  I don’t have the limodil (which is similar to Immodium but I can tell you as I type this that Immodium doesn’t do squat).  I don’t have the pain meds.  My doctor (and I use the term “MY” loosely because I don’ t really have a doc, just one I see at the same office where MY doctor used to work) isn’t going to prescribe those meds to me.  I’ll have to make an appointment with the Crohn’s doc on Monday, if I can get one.  Ever tried to score a quick appointment with a specialist?

<insert dismayed face right here, then increase the size to about 40 px, bold, italicize and underline…twice>

I hate that I forget what this is like.  I hate the dependency.  The inability to walk 5 feet without wanting to curl up and die.  The uncertainty of leaving the house for things like the grocery store, picking up people from whatever thing they happen to be at or meetings.  Will I make it through the trip without throwing up or having a short blast of diarrhea?

Todd is very good at stepping up and taking care of things.  Except the laundry, but I ruined that a few short years into our marriage.   He’s good at keeping the house clean.  He’s good at getting the kids to school.  He’s great at cooking.  But when he worked at Sara Lee, he could work from home.  He can’t do that right now and he’s trying to get a new position in the company.  We’re also not at a point where we can afford any time off – from either of us, and I’m already looking at my 2nd day off.  I don’t want him using up his vacation time if things are getting bad.  And several of you remember how bad things got almost 4 yrs ago.

In short, I’m miserable.  I’m stressed out, in pain and okay fine I have to depend on people, but really…I don’t even know what to ask for.

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